"That" Guy

Yup, everyone who has ever worked in the industry has had the pleasure of running into at some point, "That Guy." You know, That guy... the guy who is mopey, has no life, and feels the need to pour out his troubles on the poor unsuspecting BarGoon. And you what? He fucking gets away with it. You know why? Because most of the time he plays on our innate requirement to listen to his sob story. We are the cheapest form of therapy around, right? Right.

This is a fact of life in the service industry. We just have to fucking listen to him. But, here's my question, Do we really have to? Yeah, we do, for the most part. But, why not have a little fun with it? Fuck with the guy. Make funny remarks, funny faces, stick your tongue out at him and go 'pfffflllllfffpp.' Just see what happens. You might be amazed. 

No, really.

He comes into the bar expecting to spill his beans and us to just sit back and listen and give life advice to a complete stranger. I say, No! Revolt my fellow Goons! But, don't be a dick. We don't want anyone to lose their jobs here. Just play around with it. Use your imagination. See what you can get away with. You may be amazed at how quickly an annoying tale of woe can turn into quite the funny story.

Hell, I get to write a Blog about mine...

For example, I am willing to share my latest "Fucking with That Guy" tale to you gloriously bored readers. Pay attention. You might learn something.

This particular tale begins at the very start of my shift, and runs into the wee hours of almost closing time. For those who do not personally know me, my shift begins at 4:30pm and runs til we close at 2am.

My story has to deal with the same guy...

All night...

Nonono! Don't worry! He wasn't there the whole time, just at random intervals throughout the night.

I saw him a total of three times. Yup, 1, 2, 3.
At totally different and completely random points in the night.

This mother fucker would come into the bar for fifteen minutes, not order anything, sob to me about something random, and then leave to, I'm assuming, bother someone else.

It was rather annoying yes, but trust me, I had my fun.
Most of it was actually quite funny without me having to try to hard...
At first.

Instance One: 5:00pm (roughly)

That Guy walks in to the bar and inquires, "Hey, how'ya doin'? I'm looking for my friend... *pause*
I stare back at him with a look on my face like I want to be helpful, but you might need to give me a little more info before I can distribute said help, like what your friend might look like? I already have an idea about what kind of person this guy is, which would be totally clueless, so I politely pause with him, waiting for him to give me more information on said friend so I can direct him either to the person, or out the door because said friend is not in the bar, or simply does not exist. 

Waits for it....

*crickets*

After a few seconds, I continue to look at him and just say, "Okay." *Aaaaand then?*

He smiles, I smile, and then... 

He continues.

Guy: "Yeah... she was in here yesterday for a good part of the day. She's from Sweden."

(Hallelujah! He speaks!)
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry man, I don't know. I don't work on Mondays. Sweden? Never met anyone from Sweden. Did you ask the inside bartender? She usually works on Mondays. Maybe she could help you." (I'm really trying to be helpful at this point.)
Guy: *shrugs* "Okay... She was really nice. She talked to me for most of the day." 

*sighs* 

"You know, I think I am having one of those days. You ever have those days, when you just feel... reckless? Like you want to... I don't know..."

Me, already smiling because I got this sappy mofo right where I want him: "An adventure? Why don't you go exploring! Go on an epic adventure today!" (of course I sound all cheery, I really do want this guy to go get a life! Be happy man! Life is cool! Very much like Bowties...)
Guy: "Yeah... I guess. I just need something. Something in my life. Yeah an adventure! *perks up* Hey, what are yoooou doing later?" *smiles all cheery, attempting to be suave.*
Me, very matter of factly: "Atcually, I'm working until 2am... Aaaand, I'm married." *flashes ring that has been in plain sight the entire time* Guy: "Oh! Well..." *shifts positions uncomfortably, eyes darting around* "Good for you."

Exitus That Guy.
Yup, he pretty much bolts.

I smile smuggly to myself, thinking my work is done.
But, oh no... My work is apparently far from done.

Instance Two: 8pm-ish

Guy walks back into bar. It's a rather slow night, but I find things to do to make myself look busy. Oh Gawd, is this guy really coming back for more? Okay... 

And, scene!

Guy: "Hey there! I'm back. Still married?"
Me, very unnamused: "Yup, last time I checked. Got any better one liners? I've heard that one before..."
Guy: *pause* "Um, yeah." 

*silence*
Me: "So, I saw your friend you were looking for earlier. Swedish gal? Yeah, she was here," (and she was! Much to my surprise, she did exist. Cute girl too.) "She was chatting with some other guy. He sounded like he was from Belgium or something. Think they left together."
Guy: "Yeah, that's pretty much what happened yesterday. She was really nice, you know? I just started talking to her and in 30 min I knew her whole life story. I guess I was too nice though..."
Me, feigning surprise: "Oh really? Her whole life story in 30 minutes? Se must have a boring as fuck life if it only took 30 min to figure her out. Pitty she didn't take you home instead of the Other Guy."
Guy: "Um... I don't..."
Me, interrupting, not trying to be total dick (hahaha): "That sucks man. Girls, they sure are funny like that. Talking to random people, making you think they like you or something... Sorry, dude. Maybe next time."
Guy: *shrugs* "Yeah... I was just too nice I guess."

Me: "You keep saying that... What do you mean by 'too nice?'"

Guy: "You know, not flirting with her. Trying to talk to her, tell her some of the places to go around here. Just be friendly. I didn't want to come off as That Guy who was just trying to pick her up. Girls hate that. But then, this other dude came up and they started talking and she just ignored me."

Me: "Wow, that sucks bro. I feel you though. It sure is hard to gauge when a girl wants a nice guy or just an asshole to get her laid."

Guy: "I'm just too nice..."

Me: "But, you were in fact trying to pick her up, am I correct? Kind of like you did me a few hours ago? And a few minutes ago?"

Guy, looks around uncomfortably: "Um... Yeah. I was. And, sorry about that. I guess I just don't know how to read women."

Me, feeling slightly sorry for him: "No worries mate. Getting hit on is part of the job description if you're a female bar wench." *shrugs* "As far as that other girl? Forget her man. I'm sure you'll find a nice girl soon enough."

Then I actually do get some other customers and Guy leaves when I am no longer able to indulge his fantasies about Swedish chic.

And... I think I am done. 

Wait! 

Nope! 

Not yet, faire bar maid!

Instance Three: 1am

Dear baby Jesus, it is a slow night. Everyone has left me, and I am stuck cleaning the bar fifteen times out of boredom. My tablet dies so I can't even get any writing done because I forgot my flippin' charger. So, I facebook, pinterest, whatever I can find to bide my time on my phone until the 2am Closing Time Fairy graces me with her presence.

Aaaaaand, in walks That Guy. 

Again.

I still do not know his name. I am pretty sure he said it sometime during instance 1, but I can't be sure. He never ordered anything or started a tab, so I didn't hijack his name info from any credit card. But, then again, I don't really care what his name is. He will forever be known to me as, That Guy.
In fact, I think I'll do a "Heeeeey Guuuuuy!" the next time he comes in.

Anyhoo, there are like two people at my bar at this point in the night, total. I'm fucking around with my phone, bored to tears, and in he walks, sad and mopey as ever. 

Okay, here we go again.

Guy: "Hey there. Hello again."
Me: "Hey Guy! (teeheee) You look like you went on an adventure today!" *I say all cheery and even throw my arms out in a 'hooray' position*
Guy, glumly: "Yeah, I went to a few places. This place is the best out of all of them tonight..."
*cue crickets chirping as I look around my own pathetically filled bar*
Me: "Orly?"
Guy: "Yeah... Went to a few places. Eh." *pause* "You know what? I am having some issues..."
(of course you are)
Me: "Oh yeah?" *indulging* "With what?" (fuck it, I have nothing else better to do... Lay it on me, bro.)
Guy: "Life. I just wish I could find a nice girl. I just don't know how to talk to them. It never works out."
Me: "Girls are bitches. Especially ones you meet in a bar. Have you tried a bookstore or a library?"
Guy: "No. I don't know." *pause* 

"I had a girl not too long ago, but she left me... She got pregnant, then left me a few months later. She's now with another guy."
Me: "She sounds like a bitch. Is the guy she's with now taking care of her?"
Guy: "Yeah, he does. It's good for her, I guess."
Me: "Good for her, shitty for you, bro. Sounds like you are indeed, too nice. Be an asshole, you might be surprised at the outcome."
Guy: "I guess I just need to put myself out there, but I can't really handle anything serious. I'm in school, and need to focus on that."
Me: "Okay, I can understand that." (So you have been wining and crying to me all night long because you really do just want to get laid? I knew it! Typical boy...) 

Guy: "But, there is still a void, you know?
Me: "Yeah, that's called loneliness. It's normal. Why don't you try and find something casual. Shouldn't be too hard. You seem like an okay guy. You're not ugly or anything." (and he wasn't, really. He was big, said he used to be a fighter, but he had sad puppy eye syndrome like a mother effer... And no girl respects sad puppy mopey fucks like this guy.)
Guy: "Yeah, I guess I could do that..."
Me: "So do it. Seems simple enough."
Guy: "I guess you're right. I've actually turned down girls because I didn't want a relationship... School takes up a lot of my time." (shocker! He had some pussy and turned it down? That's your own fault, bro...)
Me: "Well, sounds like you need to find a girl that is okay with a casual relationship, and make it happen. Then you can focus on school and still get laid!" *hooray!*
Guy: *pause, thinking hard* "Yeah," (yeahyeahyeah, use your words...) "I also need to find a roomate."
Me: (Dear Lord, do I have the words 'Therapist' and 'Life Advisor' written all over my friggin forhead?) "That sounds even simpler. You have any friends that need a place to stay? Or even, post a flyer in the student center at your school. You should get some bites. Just stay away from Craig's list. Those peeps be cray cray."

Guy: *laughs* "I should get a female roomate."

Me: "Yeah! Then you get to split the rent and get laid!" *Hooray! I just solved your life! You're welcome.)
Guy: "I just don't have any friends..."
*facepalm*

Me: "Okay, dude. Your situation sounds like it's pretty easy to solve.." (I'm getting pretty tired of playing the free therapist at this point.) "You want to find a girl? Do it. Put yourself out there. Sooner or later, someone is bound to dig what you are presenting. You need a roomate? Do what I said earlier about posting a flyer at school. Bottom line: You have a problem? Find a solution and fix it. Sitting here moping about it is not going to fix any problem that you have. You seem like you are capable of making everything on today's list more than happen for you. So here's my end all, be all advice: Just Do It." *coughwhineylittlefuckcough*
Guy: *shrugs and smiles a bit* "Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll get on that. Thanks!" (And the crowd goes wild!)

End Scene.
Because at this point, my generosity has run out. I'm annoyed and bored with your sappy 'woe is me' tale. I don't even know you, Guy! You are spilling your beans to a complete stranger, and while this does not make you very different from most any other single bar patrons, it still gets old for us on the working side of things. I am not saying I don't mind giving advice, I really do like to help people if I can. But, you can't fix stupid. 

I'm good, but I'm not That good.

And this guy was a friggin' moron. 

*waaah waaah waaaah* "My poor life..."

No, I will not sleep with you.

No, she will not sleep with you either, because she is Swedish, hot as fuck, and you are a sad faced little kid who probably has a small penis because of all the steroids you took in high school.

Sorry your other girl left you for whatever reason... (you probably never shut up about yourself much like you did today.)

Sorry you don't have any friends. I don't know why. But I can't fix that.

We are not friends, bro.

I'm a bartender, not your friend, and certainly not your free therapist.

That is the truth of life.

At least order a drink next time and tip me for my troubles... Oh, yeah. He never ordered anything.

Not. A. Goddamn. Thing.

Nor did he put any jingle in my jar for all the awesome life advice I threw his way. (Common freakin' sense!)

Fidiot.

For real though, he seems like he has a good deal going for him. In school full time, trying to get his degree. It's normal to feel lonely and horny. All college kids are horny.

But, if it's really that big of a problem? Hire a friggin' hooker, man.

I. Don't. Really. Give. A. Fuck.

Just GTFO my base with your sappy ass self...

Here's a little rap I came up with on the fly to illustrate the frustration most of us must feel when confronted with That Guy:

I tried to be nice
And give some sound advice,
But this bar maid be stoppin'
Before my punches start a flyin'
In or around yo' face.

Ya feel me?

So, my fellow Goons. My advice? Have fun with the Guy. Fuck with him. I can only be sympathetic up 'til a certain point. If you had had a real problem? Then hell, yes, I would have sort of gone out of my way to help you/give you the best advice I am capable of.

But, no. You are a fucking retard that just wants someone to whine to.

For free.

I am not your girl.
I have a life.
And it does not include being your therapist.

*chunks deuce*